grace

If it’s Lonely at The Top, Then Something’s Wrong

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Executive-Coaching

During a recent executive coaching session, my client and I were engaged in a conversation about leadership when he made the following statement;

“I am passionate about leading my staff, but I don’t feel anyone cares or likes me.” 

It is true many leaders feel lonely. In fact, one of the most common phrases I hear during coaching sessions is: “it’s lonely at the top.”   I disagree with the context of that statement. And so does John Maxwell. In his book, Leadership Gold, John says;

“If you are lonely at the top, then you are doing something wrong.” 

As leaders, we spend our days surrounded by people, so the last thing we expect is to feel alone, but many do. Why? I believe the feeling of loneliness is a not a positional issue, but rather one of personality.

Let me take a few words y from John Maxwell’s book, Leadership Gold to explain. In his book, John says; “If you are leading others and you’re lonely, then you’re not doing it right. Think about it. If you’re all alone, that means nobody is following you. And if nobody is following you, you’re not really leading! What kind of a leader would leave everyone behind and take the journey alone”?  John Maxwell answers that question with;

“a selfish one.”

As leaders, our job is to make people better. To give them the tools and knowledge to achieve their greatest desires.

However, if you’re feeling lonely, it can lead to many things like; poor decision-making, inept problem-solving, frustration, dysfunctional teams, and angry and frustrated employees. Not to mention the internal stress that builds and eventually causes negative behavior and discord between your spouse or significant other and those within your inner circle. Success is nowhere to be found.

There is no doubt that Colin Powell’s statement; “sometimes leadership means pissing people off” is true. Leaders must hold people responsible and accountable for their actions or lack thereof.  This can cause a temporary feeling of isolation or loneliness. Jack and Suzy Welch wrote in a Business Week article: “There’s something about being a boss that incontrovertibly lends itself to isolation. I’ve learned that people dislike people who hold them accountable and will withdraw themselves. I might even say that if you’re feeling some loneliness, you might be on the right track to becoming an effective leader.

I have been there.  I know how lonely it can feel. But my loneliness is base on my desire to have friends, to enjoy conversations and laugh and tell jokes. But leaders must remember; we are not here to make friends, but rather build relationships. When we realize our job is to build relationships, create trust and add value, we’ll do everything we can to connect with those we lead and create an atmosphere of coaching and collaboration. When that occurs, your not lonely, your fully engaged!

How do we eliminate the loneliness at the top and get our leadership focus right?

Here are five principles I lead by to eliminate the loneliness of leadership:

  1. I’m VISIBLE every day. I make a point to talk face to face or through the phone or video chat with EVERY direct report. I also strategically reach out to indirect reports to continue to build those relationships.
  2. I set clear BOUNDARIES with my team. I lead through a philosophy of Ready, Fire Aim. Meaning I empower my team to identify what needs to be done and go do it! We’ll make it perfect as we progress. However, there are boundaries in regards to people, operational interruptions and costs. When setting boundaries, be careful not to shut yourself off from your team.
  3. I INVOLVE my team in the vision and strategic plan. I make it a priority to get people involved in the process of decision-making, problem-solving, communication, and training.  I make sure everyone has input.
  4. I spend a large part of my time COACHING my team. I meet with each direct report weekly and conduct one-on-one coaching session where we continue to set, adjust and create goals and objectives, conduct on-going performance reviews and develop a mentoring relationship using character-based coaching to achieve their desired goals.
  5. I make sure and COLLABORATE with those outside of my direct reports and team. I made it a priority to meet with every department once a month to listen to their concerns and suggestions, as well as to share information.

There is no doubt that being a leader offers extraordinary challenges in connecting, building relationships and creating an atmosphere of trust. However, just because you’re no longer invited to lunch doesn’t mean that you’re a terrible leader.  Don’t take it personally. More importantly, accept it, because the more you try to be liked, the more you’ll compromise your role and lose respect from the team. Remember you are not there to create friendships, but rather build relationships.

happy-leaders

 

I’m Arrogant! 14 Principles I Use To Reduce My Arrogance

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I recently presented a Keynote titled “The 8 Attributes of Character Defined in Great Leaders”.  The talk was not intended to identify past and present Great Leaders, although there are many, rather it was designed to provide information so individuals could evaluate their current character and consider the adjustments required to achieve the character needed to become a Great Leader.

In the talk, I identified “Humility” as being one of the attributes found in Great Leaders.   Leaders are typically those who have ambition, are talented and confident when making decisions and interacting with people.  But I bet when most of us think of leaders, we don’t typically describe them with the word “humility” or use the term, “humble.”  If they did, it might not be viewed as a compliment.

One of the toughest things about teaching and speaking on leadership topics is the conscience guilt that follows you around when you are not following your own words, principles, and practices you teach or talk about. This is something I really appreciate. Because it drives me to always look at ways I can increase my influence and become a better leader.

As I continue to evaluate my leadership and my approach to people, problems, and solutions, I find myself dealing with a little of arrogance and pride. I believe I would consider myself just a bit arrogant.  Well, maybe even a bit more than a bit, depending on who you talk to.

Male manager calling his colleague

So I have been focusing on how I lessen my arrogance and replace it with more humility? The identified 14 principles that help me to lessen my arrogance and focus on my humility. It is a work in progress, and I often slip back one or two steps. But I feel it’s working.

  1. Don’t think of someone else when reading this blog.
  2. Recognize your arrogance.
  3. Know what you don’t know and admit it.
  4. Step in someone’s else’s shoes that you interact with on a daily basis and those who interact periodically.
  5. Dig deep into not so positive feedback.
  6. Acknowledge those who helped you get where you are or where you are going.
  7. Shut up and listen!
  8. Engage in conversations by asking questions.
  9. Walk around looking for things to celebrate.
  10. Quickly admit when you are wrong.
  11. Be quick to forgive and show grace to others.
  12. Be purposeful in speaking well about others.
  13. Take a seat at the lower table.
  14. Focus on strengthening relationships, not just results.

The great college basketball coach John Wooden often told his players, “Talent is God-given. Be humble. Fame is man-given. Be thankful. Conceit is self-given. Be careful.”

C.S. Lewis said this, “Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less.”

 I believe humility is the antidote to arrogance. Arrogance will cause a person to fall and ultimately fail.  Humility will cause a person to rise as they fail.  People want to follow humble leaders.

So I end with a bit of a hope……May you make an everyday choice to lessen your arrogance and give credit where credit is due and acknowledge others for your success.  May you admit when you are wrong and know what you don’t know.

 If we can honestly accomplish this, then we can continue our growth as leaders.  But never forget this, IT’s NOT ABOUT YOU………..IT REALLY ISN’T!!!

Humility wooden sign on a beautiful day

GRACE ABOUNDS FOR THE STUPID

/ Denis Baker / 3 Comments

On February 23rd (which is today as I write this blog), my wife and I should be enjoying a very nice dinner at an all-inclusive resort in the fabulous Mexican Riviera Maya.We were to celebrate our 30th Wedding Anniversary. This was to be a time where we would reflect on the last 30 years, both the good and the bad. Our marriage hasn’t always been easy, but it hasn’t always been hard either. Through the grace of God and hard work from each of us, we have taken challenging situations and turned it into a wonderful union. Regardless, 30 years is cause for celebration!th-50

White sands, blue water, 80-degree temperatures and a high UV-Index…SHHHHHH, I can feel the sun on my face and hear the waves crashing. Well, that’s what we should be experiencing…but something horrible happened!

 

 MY passport did not have 6 months validity past the day of return. 

I looked at my passport several times throughout the last few months and I never snapped to it. Marlene (my wife) and I got my passport out of the safe a couple of weeks ago and thought we were good to go. We ASSUMED everything was good. Here’s the thing, my passport doesn’t expire until March 16th and we were to return on March 2nd. What’s the problem? As a last minute precaution, I decided to ensure that I didn’t need any other documentation before traveling. It was then that I noticed the requirement for a 6-month validity. Marlene began a frantic search for the truth and much to our dismay, we found it to be true!

I began to research options. One, I could expedite my renewal and go to the Regional Passport Center and spend the day in hopes of receiving my passport in time for travel. Or two, we could cancel the whole trip and get back a portion of the money already spent. The predicament was this; the deadline for the resort cancellation was the 19th (the same day we found out about the passport issue). FullSizeRenderSo, if we did not cancel that day, we would lose the full payment, but if we cancelled by 6 pm on the 19th, we would only lose a 2-night penalty. After much discussion, research and prayer, we decided to cancel. This was very difficult and disappointing decision. Imagine being in Oklahoma and only days from spending 8 nights on the beach in Mexico! Come on, anyone would be saddened!

To make the best of the situation, Marlene and I identified some things we learned from the experience. After all, if you’re going to mess up, you should at least learn something.

We did learn some things.  Here they are:

FROM MARLENE

The following points are directly from Marlene-

  • YOU NEVER “ARRIVE” -I thought I was beyond making this kind of mistake. The truth is, we are all susceptible to making careless errors.
  • THERE ARE ALWAYS 3 FINGERS POINTING BACK AT YOU – Don’t be quick to look down on others if they don’t have what you consider to be your strong points. Again, just because I pride myself on being organized and on top of things, doesn’t mean some things don’t occasionally slip or “fall through the cracks.”
  • I’M DISAPPOINTED! – There are times of disappointment. Be sad, but then put it into perspective. It’s a disappointment, not a tragedy.

When I came home, it was apparent that Marlene was disappointed and I could see she was dejected. Allow me however, to brag on her a bit. Even though it was a disappointing situation, she was not upset or hateful towards me. In fact, she was the complete opposite and tried to take responsibility herself. She felt liable in planning and working out the details of the trip. Although I truly believe I was responsible, her humility was appreciated.

FROM ME

Here is what I learned:

  • PAY ATTENTION TO DETAIL – You must pay attention to detail. Although I glanced at the passport several times, it never occurred to me to check the expiration date.
  • TAKE RESPONSIBILITY – One of the worst things you can do when you make a mistake is point a finger at someone else. Not only does this make you look like you’re skirting around responsibility, but also deflecting ownership will put someone else undeservedly in the “hot seat.” As soon as an error is brought to your attention, accept responsibility in the situation (despite whether or not it could have been avoided). Examine the issue and rectify the situation.
  • AVOID MAKING EXCUSES – Everyone has an excuse for things they’ve done wrong. Excuses don’t eradicate the fact that you made the mistake to begin with. Making an excuse isn’t any different than assigning the blame to someone or something else.
  • FIX IT -Once you realize you’ve made a mistake and acknowledged it, take steps to fix it. My mistake wasn’t anyone else’s responsibility, but my own.  I researched options to rectify the situation, but due to time constraints and the possibility of losing all our money, we chose to cancel the reservation altogether.
  • LEARN FROM IT – It you don’t learn from your mistakes, you wasted a valuable and sometimes expensive opportunity. Marlene and I took a lot of time discussing what each of us could do to prevent a similar situation from happening in the future.  We are in the process of renewing my passport and she has noted her own passport’s expiration date. In response, she has created a calendar notice to make sure her expiration date doesn’t slip past us unknowingly. Remember, every mistake is a valuable opportunity for self-improvement. Embrace the lesson learned and move forward.
  • MOVE ON – It’s okay to be sad and disappointed. However, don’t dwell or hold grudges. YESTERDAY ENDED LAST NIGHT! The mistake has been made, acknowledged, fixed and learned from. Realize that mistakes are inevitable and underneath it all, they can be truly beneficial.

I think the biggest lesson learned from this fiasco was that while we were let down, this situation ultimately brought us closer together and made us both realize how easily errors are made. The way we respond and handle stressful situations determines the outcome.

Although we dream about being on the sand, enjoying the sights and sounds of the ocean, great food and the overall culture of Mexico, we have sincerely moved on and feel at peace from what we’ve learned.

IMG_3367I love the couple that Marlene and I have become. There was a time in our early marriage where something like his would have involved blame and lasting grudges. However, with the leading of our Savior and the commitment we have made to one another, we were able to acknowledge our mistake and move on with a stronger marital bond.