
During a recent executive coaching session, my client and I were engaged in a conversation about leadership when he made the following statement;
“I am passionate about leading my staff, but I don’t feel anyone cares or likes me.”
It is true many leaders feel lonely. In fact, one of the most common phrases I hear during coaching sessions is: “it’s lonely at the top.” I disagree with the context of that statement. And so does John Maxwell. In his book, Leadership Gold, John says;
“If you are lonely at the top, then you are doing something wrong.”
As leaders, we spend our days surrounded by people, so the last thing we expect is to feel alone, but many do. Why? I believe the feeling of loneliness is a not a positional issue, but rather one of personality.
Let me take a few words y from John Maxwell’s book, Leadership Gold to explain. In his book, John says; “If you are leading others and you’re lonely, then you’re not doing it right. Think about it. If you’re all alone, that means nobody is following you. And if nobody is following you, you’re not really leading! What kind of a leader would leave everyone behind and take the journey alone”? John Maxwell answers that question with;
“a selfish one.”
As leaders, our job is to make people better. To give them the tools and knowledge to achieve their greatest desires.
However, if you’re feeling lonely, it can lead to many things like; poor decision-making, inept problem-solving, frustration, dysfunctional teams, and angry and frustrated employees. Not to mention the internal stress that builds and eventually causes negative behavior and discord between your spouse or significant other and those within your inner circle. Success is nowhere to be found.
There is no doubt that Colin Powell’s statement; “sometimes leadership means pissing people off” is true. Leaders must hold people responsible and accountable for their actions or lack thereof. This can cause a temporary feeling of isolation or loneliness. Jack and Suzy Welch wrote in a Business Week article: “There’s something about being a boss that incontrovertibly lends itself to isolation. I’ve learned that people dislike people who hold them accountable and will withdraw themselves. I might even say that if you’re feeling some loneliness, you might be on the right track to becoming an effective leader.
I have been there. I know how lonely it can feel. But my loneliness is base on my desire to have friends, to enjoy conversations and laugh and tell jokes. But leaders must remember; we are not here to make friends, but rather build relationships. When we realize our job is to build relationships, create trust and add value, we’ll do everything we can to connect with those we lead and create an atmosphere of coaching and collaboration. When that occurs, your not lonely, your fully engaged!
How do we eliminate the loneliness at the top and get our leadership focus right?
Here are five principles I lead by to eliminate the loneliness of leadership:
- I’m VISIBLE every day. I make a point to talk face to face or through the phone or video chat with EVERY direct report. I also strategically reach out to indirect reports to continue to build those relationships.
- I set clear BOUNDARIES with my team. I lead through a philosophy of Ready, Fire Aim. Meaning I empower my team to identify what needs to be done and go do it! We’ll make it perfect as we progress. However, there are boundaries in regards to people, operational interruptions and costs. When setting boundaries, be careful not to shut yourself off from your team.
- I INVOLVE my team in the vision and strategic plan. I make it a priority to get people involved in the process of decision-making, problem-solving, communication, and training. I make sure everyone has input.
- I spend a large part of my time COACHING my team. I meet with each direct report weekly and conduct one-on-one coaching session where we continue to set, adjust and create goals and objectives, conduct on-going performance reviews and develop a mentoring relationship using character-based coaching to achieve their desired goals.
- I make sure and COLLABORATE with those outside of my direct reports and team. I made it a priority to meet with every department once a month to listen to their concerns and suggestions, as well as to share information.
There is no doubt that being a leader offers extraordinary challenges in connecting, building relationships and creating an atmosphere of trust. However, just because you’re no longer invited to lunch doesn’t mean that you’re a terrible leader. Don’t take it personally. More importantly, accept it, because the more you try to be liked, the more you’ll compromise your role and lose respect from the team. Remember you are not there to create friendships, but rather build relationships.

What a great time to be a Safety Leader! Yes, you read that right. Let me repeat, what a great time to be a leader in a Safety Professional role! Are you a leader just because you’re in a leadership role? In my opinion, NO. I know many in leadership roles that for the life of me I cannot figure out how they got there.
like cayenne pepper or nutmeg. Salt is merely a basic. And yet, it is essential. Without it, food is bland and tasteless. Without it, decay and rot ensue. In recipes, salt serves all the other ingredients by extracting and enhancing their fullest expression and flavor.
Throughout my years as a safety professional, I’ve found that there are more opportunities to influence than any other position within an organization. Think about it. Executives are relegated to an office. Managers and supervisors have assigned areas of responsibility and seldom venture outside of their designated area. They may understand the departmental dynamics, but not necessarily how it affects the rest of the worksite or organization.
magazine issue listing the 100 World’s Most Influential People. Two individuals were listed, that I suspect are known to very few. Had influence been determined by a vote, I suspect that most readers would have never picked them. Their names are Brady Gustafson and Mary Scullion.
to embed there lives and way of thinking. In fact, that phrase indicates complacency has overtaken their ability to transform their results.
Complacency robs us of our success and achievements. It creates a way of thinking that blocks our ability to achieve the great things we desire. In fact, complacency sneaks up on us so fast that we don’t realize we’ve become complacent until someone points it out.
Last Saturday morning I stepped out on my apartment balcony and saw several hot air balloons passing overhead. In fact, one was lifting off from the field across from the complex. As if I were a little kid, I excitedly called my wife over to show her the activity. She reluctantly came, and I began telling her how I was going to buy a hot air balloon, and I would take her up on a beautiful evening flight with a bottle of cabernet, and we would gaze into each other’s eyes into the evening sunset.
Listening, a task I struggle at. As a coach, trainer and speaker, I tend to be a problem solver. In fact, I think I’m so good, I’ll finish your sentence or thought for you. Why should you waste valuable oxygen. However, I’m finding the oxygen we breath gives a person the ability to take a breath and speak their thoughts, concerns and ideas. In fact, when I allow people to finish their sentence and thoughts, I find many provide valuable solutions or ideas. So as I continue to learn how to control my attention and listen more, I am finding that; from listening comes knowledge and from knowledge comes a true understanding. From understanding comes the wisdom to support or help. And from wisdom, comes the ability to solve problems. The common saying; “God gave you two ears and one mouth for a reason”, continues to be true throughout the ages. Learn to listen, and you will be more successful.