During a recent executive coaching session, my client and I were engaged in a conversation about leadership when he made the following statement;
“I am passionate about leading my staff, but I don’t feel anyone cares or likes me.”
It is true many leaders feel lonely. In fact, one of the most common phrases I hear during coaching sessions is: “it’s lonely at the top.” I disagree with the context of that statement. And so does John Maxwell. In his book, Leadership Gold, John says;
“If you are lonely at the top, then you are doing something wrong.”
As leaders, we spend our days surrounded by people, so the last thing we expect is to feel alone, but many do. Why? I believe the feeling of loneliness is a not a positional issue, but rather one of personality.
Let me take a few words y from John Maxwell’s book, Leadership Gold to explain. In his book, John says; “If you are leading others and you’re lonely, then you’re not doing it right. Think about it. If you’re all alone, that means nobody is following you. And if nobody is following you, you’re not really leading! What kind of a leader would leave everyone behind and take the journey alone”? John Maxwell answers that question with;
“a selfish one.”
As leaders, our job is to make people better. To give them the tools and knowledge to achieve their greatest desires.
However, if you’re feeling lonely, it can lead to many things like; poor decision-making, inept problem-solving, frustration, dysfunctional teams, and angry and frustrated employees. Not to mention the internal stress that builds and eventually causes negative behavior and discord between your spouse or significant other and those within your inner circle. Success is nowhere to be found.
There is no doubt that Colin Powell’s statement; “sometimes leadership means pissing people off” is true. Leaders must hold people responsible and accountable for their actions or lack thereof. This can cause a temporary feeling of isolation or loneliness. Jack and Suzy Welch wrote in a Business Week article: “There’s something about being a boss that incontrovertibly lends itself to isolation. I’ve learned that people dislike people who hold them accountable and will withdraw themselves. I might even say that if you’re feeling some loneliness, you might be on the right track to becoming an effective leader.
I have been there. I know how lonely it can feel. But my loneliness is base on my desire to have friends, to enjoy conversations and laugh and tell jokes. But leaders must remember; we are not here to make friends, but rather build relationships. When we realize our job is to build relationships, create trust and add value, we’ll do everything we can to connect with those we lead and create an atmosphere of coaching and collaboration. When that occurs, your not lonely, your fully engaged!
How do we eliminate the loneliness at the top and get our leadership focus right?
Here are five principles I lead by to eliminate the loneliness of leadership:
- I’m VISIBLE every day. I make a point to talk face to face or through the phone or video chat with EVERY direct report. I also strategically reach out to indirect reports to continue to build those relationships.
- I set clear BOUNDARIES with my team. I lead through a philosophy of Ready, Fire Aim. Meaning I empower my team to identify what needs to be done and go do it! We’ll make it perfect as we progress. However, there are boundaries in regards to people, operational interruptions and costs. When setting boundaries, be careful not to shut yourself off from your team.
- I INVOLVE my team in the vision and strategic plan. I make it a priority to get people involved in the process of decision-making, problem-solving, communication, and training. I make sure everyone has input.
- I spend a large part of my time COACHING my team. I meet with each direct report weekly and conduct one-on-one coaching session where we continue to set, adjust and create goals and objectives, conduct on-going performance reviews and develop a mentoring relationship using character-based coaching to achieve their desired goals.
- I make sure and COLLABORATE with those outside of my direct reports and team. I made it a priority to meet with every department once a month to listen to their concerns and suggestions, as well as to share information.
There is no doubt that being a leader offers extraordinary challenges in connecting, building relationships and creating an atmosphere of trust. However, just because you’re no longer invited to lunch doesn’t mean that you’re a terrible leader. Don’t take it personally. More importantly, accept it, because the more you try to be liked, the more you’ll compromise your role and lose respect from the team. Remember you are not there to create friendships, but rather build relationships.
However, in my research, I’ve found the cost of turnover and employee retention costs to be astounding. Here is some of what I found:
People create results. And Leadership is essential to attracting and maintaining talented results-oriented people. Ask yourself what you may be doing to drive your best people away, and start making the changes needed to keep them.
Relate – Regardless of position, we must find ways to relate to people. To accomplish this, one must first decide to pay attention to others by listening to their wants, needs, and challenges. Adapt your approach to fit their needs. Interacting to relate with others takes time, care and attention. You may need to get out of your comfort zone and put someone else’s interests ahead of your own.
Accommodate – This really involves your ability to communicate clearly and efficiently with others. Once you have a clear understanding of the person’s needs, wants and desires, make necessary accommodations to see them succeed. I think many of us feel we know the best way to achieve what we or someone else wants to achieve and we tend to move in that direction. However, when we are focused on helping others succeed, then we must support their desires and take action to see them succeed.
Alleviate – When committed to helping others succeed, you must actively help alleviate any challenge or obstacle the person may encounter. Use your experience, knowledge, and expertise to coach the person through each challenge or obstacle.
Facilitate – I think we must learn how to facilitate a person’s success. I’m aware that you cannot control other’s actions. You can help people fix an attitude of “can’t” but you cannot help one of “will not.” However, I do feel there are things we can do to help others succeed. First of all, make sure you clearly communicate expectations, responsibilities, and priorities. Make sure they understand the sense of urgency for crucial expectations; not necessarily time, but in priorities. Look for opportunities to help them progress toward their desired result. Lastly, communicate their commitment and performance to others.
Initiative is something I write on often. In fact, my last blog was on initiative, the concept of Ready, Fire, Aim. I continue to write on this subject, because it is something that seems to be lacking in the workforce and leaders in general. And honestly, it is an area I seem to struggle in.
If you know what to do, then just do it! I could probably stop right there and have the shortest blog I’ve ever written. But that would be boring.
Stand confidently with your back erect and your shoulders square. Hands to your side and feet spread just inside both shoulders. This is known as the Presidential Stance. Greet each person with a firm (not hard) hand shake and make eye contact. Be aware of your nervous habits and move slowly, smoothly and confidently. All of this will help you project confidence and encourage both of you to feel at ease.
LEADER INFLUENCE 